When I was in my twenties and had some pretty good vision but
had to start using a cane, I became friends with Kyle who had lost his sight
from diabetes. He was the first person who I connected with who was totally
blind and had a guide dog, well the dog was from the Seeing Eye to be exact. I
would talk to Kyle about losing all of his sight and He said that when his
vision was going there was a period of time when he had a tiny bit left but it
just made him confused and he was relieved to just lose the sight completely. I
couldn’t imagine wanting to lose whatever vision I had remaining. Honestly I
feel at ease now that I am a total. I was constantly trying to figure out if I
would be able to see something with this amount of light or that amount of
magnification. I used to leave for work and freak out if I couldn’t find a
magnifier that I needed to function. I was constantly trying to tell people
what I could or couldn’t see. I had a software program that magnified my
computer screen called zoom text and I would sit with my nose up to the
computer. I was using Facebook then and when old status updates come up from
years past I cringe because almost every post has a typo. Reading the “on this
day” section of Facebook is supposed to be nostalgic but I just cringe. Today
one popped up from 2009 and I had written that the weather put me in a bed
mood. I am pretty sure I was trying to say bad mood. Then there was the time
that I posted that I was attending a gluten free sexpo when really it was an
expo. I am sure this was because of my eyesight and not Freudian slips although
I have heard a joke that once you make one Freudian slip it’s just one after a
mother. I was getting my under grad during this time of visual impairment so I
bet I had some big typos in my assignments because spell check doesn’t get
everything. I am not claiming that I never make typos now but since I use speech
software on my computer I can catch misspellings better because it will read the
misspelled word really strangely and my ear catches it. It’s unique to be on
both sides of blindness. The times where I was clinging to a little bit of
sight and now when I am totally blind. I can really see what Kyle meant and it’s
ok. Even though I am saying all of this now I don’t think my earlier self would
believe me on this issue. We only know our experience and I hadn’t gone totally
blind then so I would never believe that I would feel this way. Also I am
always thinking about the psychology of things, is this a way of coping with
blindness? Here I am writing a post about how ok I am with blindness. I am open
to that idea. Sure it is painful to not see photos anymore or not be able to
enjoy an art show like I used to. I also can’t enjoy interior decorating shows.
Is my brain telling myself that it’s not that bad to be blind so that I can
handle it? Hmmm. Something to ponder.
RIP Kyle. You went too soon. I miss hanging out with you and
your sweet guide Toledo. Your kidneys and pancreas failed you and I don’t know
why some people aren’t allowed to live a long life. When you receive a guide
dog you are always thinking about the day when you might have to retire the dog
but I don’t think people really think that it might be their dog that outlives
them and their dog will be sitting so stoic, at their funeral, greeting their friends
and family.
